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Lead Story: “Christian Street” Erupts Over Verhoeven Jesus Book
A fifth day of rioting and bombings rocked North America and Europe as the Christian community reacted to news of a controversial biography of Jesus Christ. While public officials have appealed for calm, Christian rage seemed only to escalate yesterday as Pope Benedict issued a papal bull calling for the beheading of the book’s author, Paul Verhoeven. Samaritan’s Purse, a Christian “charity”, has announced a $3.2 million reward for anyone fulfilling the papal bull.
“The threat of Christian-American terror comes from only a tiny fringe of this otherwise great religion. Not more than fifty or sixty million Christian-Americans subscribe to these militant beliefs. As I have always said, Christianity is a religion of peace.”
-President George Bush
The Bush administration denounced the Verhoeven death sentence in a press conference yesterday, drawing criticism from the Barack Obama campaign. The Democratic presidential candidate told reporters, “If elected, I promise to meet with Pope Benedict without conditions. I am confident that Christians and Americans can work out a modus vivendi preserving at least fifty percent of our free speech rights.”
In Europe, the BBC reports that gangs of “Euro youths” burned hundreds of cars, assaulted police with fowling guns, and declared their neighborhoods “No-Go Zones” for non-Christians. In the United States, many suburban neighborhoods and southern towns similarly have been declared off-limits to “infidels.” Clashes with police claimed eighty-three lives yesterday while another sixty people died in the suicide bombing of a Topeka, Kansas movie theater. Members of the Buchanan Brigade claimed responsibility for the blast. In a hand-written communique, faction leader Patrick Buchanan stated, “Now THIS is a culture war.”
The violence is the worst since the 1999 Holy Virgin Mary with Elephant Dung incident which claimed 172 lives in Iowa alone. More deaths are feared as a tense stand-off continues in Chicago, where seeker-senstive militants from Willow Creek Community Church have taken hostages, demanding the execution of Paul Verhoeven. Justice officials are reluctant to storm the historic shrine as it is considered holy by many American Christians.
In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg declared a state of emergency this morning as factional fighting between Christian militants paralyzed the city. Elements of the Legion of Mary, Campus Crusade for Christ and the Salvation Army clashed in Manhattan and Queens, while members of the First International Holy Crusade Church of the Power of God in Christ, Inc declared Harlem an autonomous Christian state.
Christian marketing groups responded to the controversy with a line of Precious Moments figurines featuring Verhoeven alternately immolated, beheaded or stoned to death. Artist Thomas Kinkade has completed a print of Verhoeven being beaten to death at sunset in a New England fishing village. Big Idea Productions has also announced the latest in its popular Veggie Tales line of children’s films — Larry and the Big Bang.
Moderate Christian groups are denouncing both the book and its resulting violence. The moderator of the Presbyterian Church issued a strongly worded statement yesterday: “We deeply regret that the blasphemous actions of Paul Verhoeven led to so many deaths and dismemberments. Please disregard the body count and remember that Christianity is a religion of peace.”
The FBI has begun a round-up of suspected Christian militants, but their efforts are hampered by legal injunctions filed by the moderate Christian Legal Society (CLS). In a press release, the CLS stated, “As Christians and Americans, we oppose both the violence and any government actions which might stop the violence.” Christian Coalition spokeswoman Michele Combs reports an upswing in anti-Christian hate crimes since the wave of bombings began: “Just yesterday, in Boise, a Christian passenger was assaulted by a taxidriver yelling ‘Jesus Christ!’ at a lengthy red light.”
Paul Verhoeven’s location is currently undisclosed and the fate of his book remains uncertain. A coalition of 2,583 intellectuals and members of the Screen Actors Guild have denounced the book for its “religious intolerance and insensitivity to the right of Christians not to be offended by anything at any time ever for any reason.”
Book distributors are refusing to carry the work due to the threat of bombings. Verhoeven earlier planned to distribute the book online, but internet hosting companies are likewise fearful and only the popular Daily Kos website has agreed to carry it. In addition to the threat of beheading, Verhoeven has found himself in legal jeopardy as the International Court of Human Rights in Brussels and the Canadian Human Rights Commission are both filing charges against him for crimes against humanity.
President Bush appealed for calm today in his weekly radio address, reminding Americans that they are all fellow-citizens. “The threat of Christian-American terror comes from only a tiny fringe of this otherwise great religion. Not more than fifty or sixty million Christian-Americans subscribe to these militant beliefs. As I have always said, Christianity is a religion of peace.”
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Precious Moments and Thomas Kinkade……freaking classic. Where can I pick some up?
I need the Precious Moments figurines so that I can throw them at non-Christians. I’m and American, I have money to blow, and I’ll be damned if I have to throw rocks.
Who’s in?
Frank-
Hee! Have you seen the Thomas Kinkade photoshops over at Something Awful? I’m going to do a post on these soon. . .
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/paintings-light-part.php?page=2
All-
Quick question — is my RSS feed working correctly? Someone emailed me to say the “subscribe” button isn’t working, but I’m clueless about feed stuff. I get a screen when I click on the button, but I have no idea if it’s in working order. . .
Feed is working just fine in my google reader… BTW, thought this was hilarious! Really makes me miss 5 am conversations with pepper vodka:-) Hope I can make it to your part of the world before too long.
Domestic-
Glad you liked it! We miss having you here. You need to get down here while we still have white sand to offer. We may be moving in a few months. . .
Guys, don’t you see that this only shows how little needs to change for christianity to be in just as bad shape as islam? The tone is mighty hypocritical given that only a few hundred years ago, this type of story would have been true. ‘Yeah, us peace lovin’ christians would never be a crazy as them muslims!’ Religion breeds ignorance. Ignorance breeds idiocy. Idiocy breeds violence. Fix your minds.
Righty-
How little needs to change? Given the fact that 1/3rd of the world claims Christianity, there is an incredibly broad spectrum of Christian belief and practice. If “little” needed to change in order for Christianity to be just like Islam, then in the 2 billion members of the religion we should find many, many, many examples of exactly that.
Instead, acts of specifically Christian violence are NEWS precisely because they are incredibly rare.
Riiiiigggghht. Because atheist countries have a WONDERFUL record. Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, the French Revolution. . .
I’ll fix my mind as soon as you learn some history.
I blogged about this at my blog
I particularly liked the photoshopped “Salvation Army Martyrs Brigade”
I wonder if any of the Muslim groups will be so stupid as to think it was real?
Those Something Awful pics are hilarious! This post is great, too.
Feed works OK w/Firefox Live Bookmarks.
LOVING this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feed has been working for me just fine.
I think I’ll have to join the first mob of rampaging Christians I can find. I even have a very Crusader-looking English flag I can drape.
“Toleration” was an achievement of Christendom long before “tolerance” became the watchword of post-Christianity.
Peace,
PGE
Don-
“I wonder if any of the Muslim groups will be so stupid as to think it was real?”
We are talking about a culture which put Bert and Ernie in an Osama bin Laden propaganda poster. . .
Thanks for the linkage btw. Hope to see you ’round often!
leftbutnotblind -
Heh. Thanks!
This is not funny you AH. play with somthing else not this. I never see satire or rude crap in WND i thought it was real. FU
“Guys, don’t you see that this only shows how little needs to change for christianity to be in just as bad shape as islam?”
No, I think it shows how much would need to change for Christianity to even remotely be like Islam. How do you come to the opposite opinion?
“The tone is mighty hypocritical given that only a few hundred years ago, this type of story would have been true.”
First of all, there is nothing hypocritical about the tone. The tone is critical, but it would only be hypocritical if say secretly the author supported bombing abortion clinics or some such. The tone is critical because the author is pointing out the difference between the vanishingly small percentage (much much less than 1%) of nominal Christians that support bombing abortion clinics, and the 37% of British Moslems who said that they supported the 7-7 train and bus bombings.
Second of all, ‘a few hundred years’ is not a tiny and insignificant period of cultural time. You mean to say that there is only a few hundred years difference? Such a gap would constitute a significant portion of Islam’s cultural history to this point.
But the fact of the matter is that such a Cultural gap has existed since Islam’s founding. In fact, Islam is markedly behind even Mosiac Judism on issues of justice - for example it rejects even eye for an eye as an upper limit on fair punishment and promotes as law earlier tribal legal codes which requires for example that a thief pay for the stolen bread with a hand and a foot. Its been more than a few centuries since Christian institutions had a legal code approaching the barbarity called Sha’ria. Even the Spainish Inquisition for crying out loud required a defence council be present and allowed the accused to present evidence in his defence.
“Religion breeds ignorance. Ignorance breeds idiocy. Idiocy breeds violence. Fix your minds.”
Prejudice breeds hatred. Hatred breeds ignorance. Ignorance breeds idiots. Idoicy breeds people like you coming here and posting your inane moral relativism. Thanks for your offer of help. It might have been well intentioned, but you’ve got this plank sticking out of your eye and it keeps poking me.
EBS-
MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Anonymous-
Give yourself a name and come back. That was a -really- good response.
This had me laughing:
“Prejudice breeds hatred. Hatred breeds ignorance. Ignorance breeds idiots. Idoicy breeds people like you coming here and posting your inane moral relativism. Thanks for your offer of help. It might have been well intentioned, but you’ve got this plank sticking out of your eye and it keeps poking me.”
J. Wesley: Sorry. Above anonymous was me. Commented from work and was in a rush. Didn’t mean to disown my words.
Celebrim-
Very glad to have you here!
If you get time later, you might be interested in the discussion over our recent post One of our cruise missiles should meet with Ahmadinejad unconditionally.
Our Lefty pal Adrian is holding his own pretty well on the Surge, the war, and Iran. You might enjoy the debate!
Snidely makes me laugh unpleasantly. >:-)
and the rest of the comments, both ways, make me think of Yoda: “prejudice, ignorance, fear, hatred: the dark side are they”
Cheers,
PGE
[…] Christian street rises up. It’s just the radical […]
[…] a hand-written communique, faction leader Patrick Buchanan stated, ?Now THIS is a culture war.? Lead Story: “Christian Street” Erupts Over Verhoeven Jesus Book | conservativeintelligen… Uh seriously, what kind of odd meme are these people trying to plant? Did I miss something on the […]
The problem is not religon, but ORGANIZED religon, every one of which has an ego.
Check out the lies that liberal proffesors like Wendy Doniger, Paul Courtright & Jeffrey Kripal are spreading about Hinduism
Deepak Chughani -
Because “disorganized religion” has accomplished anything for good in this world?